Are You A Top Dog or Underdog?

Most of us manipulate others in one of two ways: either as top dogs who use the Strength and Assertion compass points to control people, or as underdogs who use the Love and Weakness compass points to make others take responsibility for us. Uncertain that we are acceptable the way we are, we don the mask of the manipulator.

Top Dog Self Compass

In Christian culture, men tend to adopt top dog patterns of manipulation—being competitive, arrogant and dictatorial. In a radio interview, a man called in to attack me for stating that men need to develop their capacity for tenderness, humility and affection.

“You just want to turn us into a bunch of sissies,” he said.  “Men are supposed to be strong so they can take care of their women!”

“I am suggesting that we men will be better lovers and fathers if we take the chip off our shoulders,” I replied. “We can learn to say ‘I’m sorry’ when we’re wrong, ‘I love you’ to our spouse and children.”

The caller hung up on me.

On the other hand, the underdog patterns of being co-dependent, naive and needing constant reassurance traps many women. When I appeared on a Christian women’s television program, the hostess asked me if there was a detrimental personality style for women. I replied that the worst thing a woman could do was to be overly submissive, dependent and unaware of her own capabilities. The hostess’ mouth dropped open and her hand went to her lips. “Dr. Montgomery,” she exclaimed, “you just described 90% of the women who watch this program!”

Underdog Self Compass

Unfortunately, little boys are still socialized into top dog styles when they are discouraged from expressing tender or vulnerable feelings. Adults still train little girls to be overly submissive and sweet. 

As a parent, you may spot tendencies in your child to get stuck in just one compass point, becoming aggressive, submissive, withdrawn or bossy. You can encourage creative growth stretches into the other compass points until balance is gradually achieved.

In relationships between men and women, men generally need to develop more humility, vulnerability, affection and nurturance. Women usually need to work on more objectivity, assertion, confidence and identity. When both sexes are developing more whole and rhythmic personalities, this dramatically enhances communication.

This is not to say women can’t be bossy and men can’t be submissive. But the idea is to outgrow cultural or religious stereotypes in favor of a fully operative Self Compass, no matter what particular combination of trends you are prone to exhibit.

TOP DOG DAN

At the beginning of my teaching career, I taught a college course in Ethics. I gave a lecture on spiritual love. The students took notes voraciously and one young woman told me the lecture moved her deeply. Yet I came away from the class knowing my own behavior was far from Christlike. I was discovering that problems in my personality were distorting my ability to give and receive love.

When I craved attention, I found a way to show off. When I wanted people to like me, I tried to impress them with my accomplishments. When I felt hurt, I hid my pain under a mask of sullen detachment. When I felt resentful, I put on a frozen smile to hide my anger, yet still harbored a grudge. These manipulative behaviors blocked my ability to interact honestly with people.

I felt powerless to change my manipulative ways. That night I begged the Lord for help. I prayed, “Father, help me quit living in my mind and start feeling with my heart. Help me stop puffing myself up, withdrawing when I don’t get my way and holding anger inside. Please help me love others and myself like you do.”

Before long, the still, small voice of the Lord spoke within me:

Dan, you have done well in loving and serving me, but you’re still afraid of people. You’re afraid they won’t respect you if you don’t show strength. You’re afraid they will reject you if you reveal weaknesses. You’re afraid they will hurt you if you open your heart to love. You’re afraid they’ll disapprove if you express your feelings. But I love people, even though some of them reject, hurt and hate me. Are you willing to be more of your real self and take the risks of love?

Wasn’t that the crux of the matter? God was showing me that my intellectual pride and emotional defensiveness had made me a top dog. I wanted love without the vulnerability. I was trying to be strong without being weak, to be in control without risking my heart. This inner revelation gave me new hope. Without realizing it, I was being tutored in the LAWS of personality and relationships. That night I invited the Holy Spirit to give me the courage to love.

Each of us is partly manipulative and partly capable of Christlike love. Though boxed in by our fears, pride and defensiveness, we can risk being more of our real selves and learn to love beyond manipulation. The good news is that we can reverse manipulation by using our Self Compass and trusting the Holy Spirit in our spiritual core.

For more, read:  

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

God and Your Personality

Christ's Compass for Couples

Jesus commands us to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). 

This is a tall order. How do you do that, especially when it comes to the daily complications of a couples relationship?

But Jesus doesn’t leave you hanging. He gives you clues by the way He lives his life as described in the Gospels. Clues to a healthy personality that help you relate to one another in Christlike ways, yet unique to you as a couple.

How can couples do this in the 21st century? Enter the Self Compass. Based both on Jesus’ personality and modern psychological research, the Self Compass steers couples toward man/woman intimacy. 

The Self Compass

The Self Compass helps reveal what Jesus' personality is like. In the Gospel accounts of his life on Earth, Jesus showed us the model of a perfect personality. Unlike the rest of us, Jesus was perfectly loving—a good friend to Peter and John. But he wasn’t loving all the time. Jesus balanced his Love with Assertion—by standing up against the Pharisees when he saw injustice and unfairness, for example. 

Jesus also revealed healthy Weakness—he was humble of heart, a servant who washed his disciples’ feet. He sweat blood, contemplating his crucifixion. Yet this vulnerability was balanced by Strength—to act according to his Father’s will and a confidence in his identity as the Son of man.

Love in balance with Assertion; Weakness in balance with Strength. Together they form Christ’s Self Compass. A Self Compass: a compass that contains Christ’s LAWS to act as your guide to a healthy and whole marriage.

What does Christ's Self Compass look like? 

Christ's Self Compass

Christ’s various names indicate the balance drawn from his own Self Compass. On the Love compass point, he is known as the Good Shepherd—tender, kind, and nurturing. On the Assertion compass point, he is the Lion of Judah found in the book of Revelation; Christ stands against injustice of every kind, and will judge the quick and dead based on their pursuit of righteousness or lack thereof. On the Weakness compass point, Jesus is the Lamb of God, who willingly laid down his life to redeem all who call upon him. And on the Strength compass point he is the Prince of Peace who died in weakness and was raised from the dead in strength and glory.

The Compass LAWS of a Christ-centered Marriage

Love and Assertion; Weakness and Strength. These are compass points that show the contrasting polarities in your personality. Love isn’t better than assertion, and strength isn’t better than weakness. Healthy people express both tender care and diplomatic assertion. They are competent and strong, yet humbly aware of their weakness. In a well-balanced marriage, couples maintain free and rhythmic access to all four compass points of their Self Compass.

Love is kindness. Thoughtfulness. Forgiveness. Tenderness. Compassion. Fondness. Faithfulness. Friendship. Sacrifice. In the development of healthy personality and relationships, Christ gave priority to loving one’s self, others, and God.

But no one remains loving all the time, nor is it healthy to do so. While love lets you stand with-and-for your partner, Assertion is required so as not to lose yourself.

 

Assertion gives you the courage to express your point of view or challenge what you perceive as unfair in your relationship. Diplomatic assertion preserves your individual differences as a couple and helps you develop the skill of negotiating for your reasonable rights. All couples experience bouts of anger or discontent, when your interests rub against the wishes of your spouse. But when you combine assertion in rhythm with caring, the diplomacy that results will help you reach successful conflict resolution.

Weakness reflects the human experience of uncertainty, vulnerability, and soul-searching. The weakness compass point helps a couple develop humility and empathy for one another. It allows the expression of disappointment, anxiety, depression, or helplessness.

Strength reflects the human need for competence and adequacy. Each partner needs to feel appreciated by the other; to be seen as worthy, capable; to be treated with dignity.

When a couple rhythmically modulates the compass points of Love with Assertion, and Weakness with Strength, their relationship develops the balancing grace of compass virtues: 

• Love brings forth charity. 
• Assertion yields courage. 
• Weakness fosters humility. 
• Strength develops esteem.

Jesus Christ

With the help of the Self Compass, you develop a whole and healthy marriage when you center your marriage in Jesus Christ and on His personality.

Handling Christmas with The Self Compass

Having just got through Thanksgiving, are you wondering how to handle Christmas? The Self Compass can help you do this. 

The first thing is the use your Weakness compass point to acknowledge upfront that you will occasionally feel frustrated, impatient, and anxious about getting everything done and making everyone happy. These negative feelings arise when you try to accomplish too much, too fast, and expect the whole world to cooperate with you.

Did you know that most people experience a considerable amount of anxiety and anger precisely because they want a perfect Christian season and Christmas day?

The way around this is to accept that you'll be facing holiday traffic, longer grocery store lines, and the occasional bossy relative. You surrender to these normal pressures and inconveniences without making a big deal of it. You pray for the grace of Jesus Christ to abide within you, being a sense of ease and lightheartedness, perhaps even deep gratitude that He came into the world at Christmas just for a relationship with you! All of this arises out of a healthy Weakness compass point, where humility abides.

Next, combine your Love compass point with your Assertion compass point in this fashion. Care for people, but don't take on the maddening burden of trying to make them happy. You can't. People can make themselves happy if they want to, but many prefer griping, fussing, and finding fault with something or other, rather than having a good day or a wonderful Christmas.

Take responsibility to enjoy your own wonderful Christmas in the presence of whomever you're with, while they are simply themselves. This takes the pressure off you and lets you relax and enjoy small delights.

When it comes to relatives, remember that personality patterns run deep, and Christmas doesn't change them. If a person has an angry or argumentative pattern, expect them to continue behaving this way right through Christmas dinner. Of if someone is a died-in-the-wool loner, don't expect them to become suddenly gregarious and cheery.

Don't forget your Strength compass point, where you can exercise reasonable diligence in doing your shopping for gifts and food to have a "good enough" Christmas to feel peaceful and thankful.

Now that you've got the relatives in perspective, concentrate on your inner relationship with Christ. The Holy Spirit is sent by your heavenly Father to live within you precisely to glorify Christ in the core of your being. Stop rushing. Stop fretting. Stop feeling like Christmas is a pressure cooker and you're in the soup!

Breathe. Let your shoulders melt. Smile. Converse with Jesus inside your mind. Invite Him to help you understand and receive all the love He has for all, and the wise pathway He will guide you upon this coming year. Jesus Christ is one family member you can count on to be peaceful, joyful, and fun. He will help you have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Dan Montgomery's Scriptural Self Compass

Kate and I have recently seen the need for a new expression of the Self Compass, one that shows how key Scriptures can contribute toward a balanced walk with Christ. 

Scriptural Self Compass

Love: “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (1 Pet 3:15).

Assertion: “(An elder) must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it” (Titus 1:9).

Weakness: “These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word” (Ps 25:8-9).

Strength: “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isa 40:31).

The wisdom of the Self Compass is that it helps you cultivate the very rhythms of grace seen in Christ's personality through the Gospels. We need Jesus as our personality model, and we need the whole of Scripture, including both Old and New Testaments, to influence our personality and relationships.

I encourage you to meditate on each of these Scriptural Compass points, and connect them with a visualization of yourself putting them into action. 

For the Love compass point, picture yourself cultivating gentleness and respect for family, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers.

For the Assertion compass point imagine holding firm with Christian values and refuting worldly influences from television, movies, and literature that would otherwise corrupt your Christian orthodoxy.

For the Weakness compass point, pray that the Holy Spirit might help you become more humble and contrite, because the Lord draws near to us when we confess our needs to him.

For the Strength compass point remember to call upon the power of the Lord to renew your strength you in times of adversity or challenge. He will do it!

Keep the Scriptural Self Compass in mind day and night, for these LAWS of personality and godly guidance are meant to bring you ready assistance in a vast array of life situations. Join Kate and me in this prayer:

"Dear God, thank you for the love you show me. Please show me how to assert myself in gracious ways. I humbly call on you in weakness, knowing by faith that you will always strengthen me. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Your Personality Matters to Christ

Personality is the hallmark of humanness and the gift of a loving God to each one of us. Through personality you share with Jesus the potential for identity, free choices, and intimacy with others. By engaging the Lord with your whole personality, you develop a reciprocal rhythm of communication and communion that lasts a lifetime.

I am convinced that your personality development is more treasured by God than the Milky Way galaxy, the rotation of planets in their orbits, and the entire plant and animal kingdoms. I know it’s hard to believe, but Almighty God has designed Creation as a backdrop against which your personality and relationships can come to the fore in dialogue with him.

There are those who say, “You don’t need to know anything about your personality to please Christ. Just read the Bible, go to church, and keep the Ten Commandments. That’s what God wants from you.” 

Actually, these are good ideas, but only when taken alongside your personality growth in Christ. Personality is the sum total of your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It is through understanding the workings of your inner life—your personal psychology—that you sustain a bridge of intimacy with the Lord. 

Your personality is as unique as a fingerprint, yet follows laws common to humanity. Knowing and honoring the laws of personality enhances the quality of your interpersonal communication with God. Not knowing these laws, or unwittingly violating them, diminishes or even cripples your individuality and relationship with Christ. 

But I have good news. There is a simple way to place these laws of personality into perspective: a personality growth tool I call the Self Compass that is scientifically valid and biblically sound. 

The outer circle of the Self Compass symbolizes your selfhood throughout the stages of life. Resembling a physical compass, the four compass points reveal a dynamic tension between Love and Assertion, Weakness and Strength. Combining the first letter of each compass point gives you a convenient way to remember the LAWS of personality and relationships.

The compass points of Love balanced with Assertion, and Weakness balanced with Strength, are essential for a healthy personality. Yet because many people don’t know this, they can favor one compass point at the expense of the others. They become “stuck” on that compass point with rigid behavioral trends that trouble them throughout life, never recognizing that many of their miseries are optional.

In overly using the Love compass point, you develop the dependent trend of feeling unsure of yourself and always needing people’s assurance and approval. 

Exaggerating the Assertion point creates the aggressive trend, where you argue frequently and feel irritated at other people because it seems that your problems are their fault.

Being stuck on the Weakness compass point triggers the withdrawn trend of recurrent helplessness and depression. Fearful of making mistakes, you exchange the adventure of self-development for a morose existence of detached isolation.

People stuck on the Strength compass point feel superior to others and become judgmental perfectionists. This controlling trend makes them bossy and critical, a real pain to be around.

Part of finding your freedom in Christ is this: don’t short-circuit your potential and disappoint God’s calling by getting trapped in a narrow corner of your personality. Rather, live robustly and creatively with your whole Self Compass! 

Here are some quick guidelines for how to get each compass point running smoothly, so you can enjoy the many benefits of compass living. 

Love and Assertion

The first polarity within the Self Compass is Love and Assertion. Love comes from all the times you express kindness, forgiveness, nurturance, fondness for the Lord, or sacrifice for the well-being of someone in need. Love empowers Christian service and supplants selfishness with altruistic caring.

But giving too much love to others lets them take advantage of your resources without replenishing you in return. You’ll likely become a smiling doormat, a person who is secretly depressed, even resentful. 

You need a healthy dose of Assertion to stand up for your reasonable rights, negotiate for fairness in the world, and dare to resist others—and the devil—when pleasing them would counter your guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Think of it this way: Love fosters good will and good cheer, whereas Assertion cultivates self-expression and self-preservation. When you have Love and Assertion operating rhythmically within your personality, you can love yourself and others while enhancing your individuality in Christ. This fulfills the LAWS of personal and relational health.

For example, healthy people can say “yes” as well as “no” to requests that other people make. They can yield to others when compromise is appropriate; yet take firm stands when it isn’t. Like Christ, they respond flexibly to life situations without being stuck in a trend of dependency or aggression.

Maturing as an individual in Christ, then, entails learning to trust your Self Compass and follow your inner marching orders from God. Honoring the rhythm between Love and Assertion increases your fidelity to God’s unfolding will. 

The Holy Spirit faithfully guides you precisely because of your courage and flexibility. Remember Jesus’ promise: “I have said these things while I am still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you” (Jn 14: 25-26).

Weakness and Strength

The other polarity of personality is Weakness and Strength. Weakness captures all the times you feel uncertain, vulnerable, anxious, hurt, sad, lonely, fatigued, stressed out, overwhelmed, frustrated, and confused. You might immediately think: “These are bad feelings. I don’t ever want to feel this way.” Yet Christ knows that by admitting your weaknesses and deficiencies, you are made humbly reliant on him.

For those super-person Christians who claim to be strong all the time, I say, “Why don’t you grow more human, like Christ is human? He had moments of loneliness, doubt, frustration, and anguish. Are you greater than the Lord?”

When artfully managed, the Weakness compass point fosters humility and empathy for others who are suffering. Strength, on the other hand, imparts the confidence required to develop your talents, pursue the education you need, interview for jobs, hold your own in relationships, and feel good about your accomplishments. Understood this way, Strength encompasses the occasions when you feel healthy confidence, adequacy, and esteem for yourself or others.

When you integrate Weakness and Strength into your relationship with Christ, you find yourself able to converse with him day and night, asking for blessing and guidance in everything you do. At the same time, you take responsibility for your choices. You do the footwork to make good things happen instead of magically hoping that life will get better. 

If you combine the four compass points into a single prayer, it might go like this:

“God, please strengthen my weaknesses and help me develop humility about my strengths. Show me how to care for people assertively and maintain a caring attitude when I assert myself. Thanks. Amen.”

For more about this, you can read Christian Personality Theory: A Self Compass for Humanity that is co-authored with my wife Kate.

Why Are Men Afraid to Cry?

I first got the message that men don't cry in seventh grade football. The coach put me in as a halfback to run the ball, and two upperclassmen tackles who looked freight trains smashed into me so hard I crumpled to the ground. Not only did I feel humiliated, but worse than that, I couldn't breathe, for one of the boys had hit me in the gut on the way down.

I lay there writhing and struggling for my breath to return, only to hear the coach yell, "Montgomery's just a weak sister! Leave him where he lays." The teams formed up and continued the scrimmage, leaving me in the dust (it literally was a gravel and dirt field, not grass).

When I could breathe again, I crawled to the sideline and eventually stood up, bracing back the tears that wanted to stream. I was learning the secret that most boys and men learn. To keep from being taunted as a wimp, I steeled my spirit, tightened the chest muscles around my heart, and clenched my jaw. Did this mean I was a man?

Not quite. The following year I took my girlfriend to the newly released West Side Story. When Tony—the boy I most identified with—was stabbed and left bleeding to death in a parking lot, his head in Maria's lap, the dam of restraint broke and tears streamed down my cheeks. Moments later my girlfriend took her hand out of my hand, looked at me incredulously, and whispered, "Boys don't cry!" 

That completed my initiation into manhood, and for the next five years nothing in heaven or earth could make me cry. In terms of the Self Compass, I had learned that boys and men are to inhabit the upper quadrants of Strength and Assertion, and only girls and women had access to the lower quadrants of Love and Weakness.

In other words, I learned to appear strong in all situations, and if that didn't work, to get angry. How many billions of us men, do you suppose, are stranded in our human development, because our self-expression prohibits the softer, more tender and vulnerable side of being human?

What I like about the Christian faith is that Jesus, one of the strongest and most assertive men in history, wasn't afraid to cry. When his dear friend Lazarus died,"Jesus wept." Not only did he cry, but he loved with his whole heart, whether it meant loving his Father in heaven, loving his friends and disciples, or loving those who hated him.

It is the whole Self Compass—this willingness to feel and express both Love and Assertion, both Weakness and Strength—that makes Jesus Christ a Savior and Friend who encourages your full human development, whether you are a boy or girl, a man or a woman. 

I don't know about you, but I love this Son of Man and Son of God who bravely endured the cross, and though broken, bruised, and forsaken, continues to open his heart to us, seeking only to make us as whole as he himself is!

By the way, over the years, as I developed the various aspects of my self through the Self Compass model, I not only learned that it was acceptable for men to cry, I also learned how to constructively develop strength and assertion. In fact, I am a black belt in karate.

Crying and karate...they are just two of the ways I know that Jesus is working in and through me to make me more whole. He will do the same for you if you let him.

For more about helping men, women and children develop a whole Self Compass in their personality and relationships, read:

Christian Personality Theory:

A Self Compass for Humanity

The Strength of Human Weakness

In America and most parts of the world, Strength is admired and cultivated as a way of striving for achievement and building self-confidence.

Weakness is an experience that nobody likes and everyone shuns.

 
However, when people seek Strength at the expense of avoiding any sense of Weakness, they become entitled, inflated, and even cocky about how strong they are. I believe the Bible wants to correct this human error by teaching that "pride goes before the fall."

The truth is that we are all weak under our facade of strength. We all get sick, have accidents, are thrown into panic by sudden adversity, are vulnerable to various addictions, and haunted by the uncertainty that we may not have enough (money, friends, health, or even life) the day after tomorrow.

So Christ teaches us to rely on him day to day, and not worry about tomorrow.

Yes, we can make reasonable, tentative plans. And yes, we can exercise a certain amount of control in governing our circumstances. But we must not do it obsessively, at all costs.

We remain humbly open to discovering and doing God's will, even when we find this inconvenient and uncomfortable.

God often asks us to accept temporary adversity, vulnerability, and uncertainty—precisely so that our self-willed Strength does not become our god.

Compass Therapy and the Self Compass show how Weakness is one of the four universal compass points of personality, and offers as much positive value to mental and spiritual health as do Love, Strength, and Assertion.

But how do you experience Weakness gracefully, especially when it hurts? First, realize that God came among us as a fully human person—Jesus. He experienced human weakness through the things he suffered. He didn't own a home, had no spending money, was sometimes popular and sometimes despised, had some loyal friends and some who betrayed him, and experienced moments of anxiety, grief, and terror, the same as we do. For these reasons Jesus Christ is a humble and empathetic Savior.

You come to terms with Weakness by knowing that you can't do life by yourself. You lean on God and others to help you out. You accept your losses and move forward into Strength. You surrender to occasional waves of anxiety and uncertainty, while still keeping your eyes on the Lord, who strengthens you through Weakness. And you develop the virtue of humility and empathy for those who still suffer.

God makes a way for you when there is no way. 

For more about how faith calms fear and heals anxiety, read  

Faith Beyond Church Walls:  Finding Freedom in Christ

Use the Self Compass to Help Stop Panic Attacks!

Panic attacks are among the most overwhelming feelings you'll ever experience. You feel like your entire personality has been ripped to shreds. Like you are falling head-long into an abyss with no bottom. Like you can hardly breathe and are being crushed by overwhelming forces. In short, you feel like you are dying.

Take heart, though. The Self Compass can help make your personality panic-proof.

Let's see how this works by using the Self Compass of Love, Assertion, Weakness, and Strength —the LAWS of personality—to give you the balance you need to become psychologically and spiritually resilient in the face of full-blown panic. That is, able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult circumstances.

On the Love compass point, remember that God loves you. That friends love you. That you are learning to love yourself. The best way to experience love that counters anxiety is to simply define yourself as a worthwhile human being, with your fair share of strengths and weaknesses. Ask God to help you love yourself as He does. Here is where I rely on the Love God shows me through his Son Jesus Christ. I accept deeply without conditions that Jesus loves me and will see me through anything I face, including occasional feelings of intense anxiety.

On the Assertion compass point, get angry at being a victim of fear. Anger is as active emotion that counters anxiety, which is a passive feeling. Get angry that you shake in your boots, that life seems to have you by the throat, that the devil in on your shoulder. Get angry enough to say, "No, I won't roll over and become terrified by life! I won't let my existence deteriorate into mindless fear! I won't live by fear instead of faith!" The Assertion compass point mobilizes resourcefulness for creative coping. Most of all, it helps you call upon God with conviction and active expectancy, trusting that "underneath are the everlasting arms."

On the Weakness compass point, realize that even the strongest people at times feel anxious and overwhelmed. Life is difficult. Nobody gets a free ride. Even our faith is tested by God. But that's okay. You can make it with just a mustard seed of faith. Given time, even snails and tortoises reach their destinations. And you are a person made in the image of God! Isn't it fascinating that when God became incarnate to live and walk among us, he didn't display overbearing strength, but identified with our weaknesses by himself becoming weak. Jesus had a panic attack in the Garden of Gethsemane, immediately prior to his humiliation and crucifixion. He showed us that it is only human to sometimes feel frightened, helpless, and alone. In times like this, you can say to yourself, "I'm scared right now, but this too will pass." "I'm feeling terribly alone, so I need to confide in someone." "There's growth in the valley." "Please help me, Lord!"

On the Strength compass point, visualize in your mind the blessings you've known, the relationships you treasure, the potentials you've yet to actualize. Look beyond current anxieties to the growth curve of lifelong learning, where you, like Jesus, are made wiser and stronger through the things that you suffer. Picture the child who has a panic attack after falling down and skinning her knee, seeing blood for the first time. There is terror in that moment! But the loving parent offers consolation in the form of a band-aide and a reassuring hug, helping the pain to stop hurting. Just so does our Heavenly Father look out for us, bringing the Holy Spirit to sooth our pain and heal our panic. "There's a better day coming," says the Lord within us, "and I will guide you toward it!"

You overcome panic attacks by accepting that occasional anxiety is part of the human condition, known even by Jesus (Weakness), by sharing your fears with those who care about you, including your Heavenly Father (Love), by taking steps to face and work through the obstacles that are scaring you (Assertion), and by accepting that you are a child of God through the will of the Father, by the grace of Christ, in the power of the Holy Spirit (Strength).

How do I know? I've been the victim of numerous panic attacks and bouts of anxiety in the course of life. I have learned to trust my Self Compass in Christ. It is because of this that I am able to write these words of encouragement to you! I've been there and I've come out on the other side.

Why The Self Compass?

Rita from Lebanon writes in an email:  

"Dr. Dan, did you know a Jesuit priest has translated your book about personality into Arabic? As soon as I read about the Self Compass, everything in my life changed for the better: my relationships with family, friends, even God! I've given the book to everyone I care about, it's so healing and transforming. Everybody should use this model to understand themselves and other people. I'll never be the same!"

Thanks, Rita. I think the Self Compass applies to people of all cultures because it captures the universal "compass points" within human personality. You learn about yourself by finding out where you are located on the Self Compass: 

Do you balance Love with Assertion, or overdo one or the other? Too much love makes you a clinging vine who has no sense of self. Too much assertion makes you argumentative and contrary. By balancing these you can show love (kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness) in certain situations, and assertion (self-expression, courage, divergent thinking, and confrontation) in others.

Do you balance Strength with Weakness, or are you stuck with too much Strength in the form of arrogance, or Weakness in the form of helplessness? By balancing these you can feel confident and strong without being cocky or judgmental. And you can feel occasional insecurity, anxiety, or guilt without panicking.

It is this flexibility in your thinking, feeling, and acting that make you mentally healthy and spiritually blessed—reaping the benefits of the Self Compass. 

What I like about Rita is that she's not only discovering the benefits of balancing her own personality, but she's giving the Self Compass to people she knows, and that's a loving thing to do! 

For more have a look at:  

The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ