Are You A Top Dog or Underdog?

Most of us manipulate others in one of two ways: either as top dogs who use the Strength and Assertion compass points to control people, or as underdogs who use the Love and Weakness compass points to make others take responsibility for us. Uncertain that we are acceptable the way we are, we don the mask of the manipulator.

Top Dog Self Compass

In Christian culture, men tend to adopt top dog patterns of manipulation—being competitive, arrogant and dictatorial. In a radio interview, a man called in to attack me for stating that men need to develop their capacity for tenderness, humility and affection.

“You just want to turn us into a bunch of sissies,” he said.  “Men are supposed to be strong so they can take care of their women!”

“I am suggesting that we men will be better lovers and fathers if we take the chip off our shoulders,” I replied. “We can learn to say ‘I’m sorry’ when we’re wrong, ‘I love you’ to our spouse and children.”

The caller hung up on me.

On the other hand, the underdog patterns of being co-dependent, naive and needing constant reassurance traps many women. When I appeared on a Christian women’s television program, the hostess asked me if there was a detrimental personality style for women. I replied that the worst thing a woman could do was to be overly submissive, dependent and unaware of her own capabilities. The hostess’ mouth dropped open and her hand went to her lips. “Dr. Montgomery,” she exclaimed, “you just described 90% of the women who watch this program!”

Underdog Self Compass

Unfortunately, little boys are still socialized into top dog styles when they are discouraged from expressing tender or vulnerable feelings. Adults still train little girls to be overly submissive and sweet. 

As a parent, you may spot tendencies in your child to get stuck in just one compass point, becoming aggressive, submissive, withdrawn or bossy. You can encourage creative growth stretches into the other compass points until balance is gradually achieved.

In relationships between men and women, men generally need to develop more humility, vulnerability, affection and nurturance. Women usually need to work on more objectivity, assertion, confidence and identity. When both sexes are developing more whole and rhythmic personalities, this dramatically enhances communication.

This is not to say women can’t be bossy and men can’t be submissive. But the idea is to outgrow cultural or religious stereotypes in favor of a fully operative Self Compass, no matter what particular combination of trends you are prone to exhibit.

TOP DOG DAN

At the beginning of my teaching career, I taught a college course in Ethics. I gave a lecture on spiritual love. The students took notes voraciously and one young woman told me the lecture moved her deeply. Yet I came away from the class knowing my own behavior was far from Christlike. I was discovering that problems in my personality were distorting my ability to give and receive love.

When I craved attention, I found a way to show off. When I wanted people to like me, I tried to impress them with my accomplishments. When I felt hurt, I hid my pain under a mask of sullen detachment. When I felt resentful, I put on a frozen smile to hide my anger, yet still harbored a grudge. These manipulative behaviors blocked my ability to interact honestly with people.

I felt powerless to change my manipulative ways. That night I begged the Lord for help. I prayed, “Father, help me quit living in my mind and start feeling with my heart. Help me stop puffing myself up, withdrawing when I don’t get my way and holding anger inside. Please help me love others and myself like you do.”

Before long, the still, small voice of the Lord spoke within me:

Dan, you have done well in loving and serving me, but you’re still afraid of people. You’re afraid they won’t respect you if you don’t show strength. You’re afraid they will reject you if you reveal weaknesses. You’re afraid they will hurt you if you open your heart to love. You’re afraid they’ll disapprove if you express your feelings. But I love people, even though some of them reject, hurt and hate me. Are you willing to be more of your real self and take the risks of love?

Wasn’t that the crux of the matter? God was showing me that my intellectual pride and emotional defensiveness had made me a top dog. I wanted love without the vulnerability. I was trying to be strong without being weak, to be in control without risking my heart. This inner revelation gave me new hope. Without realizing it, I was being tutored in the LAWS of personality and relationships. That night I invited the Holy Spirit to give me the courage to love.

Each of us is partly manipulative and partly capable of Christlike love. Though boxed in by our fears, pride and defensiveness, we can risk being more of our real selves and learn to love beyond manipulation. The good news is that we can reverse manipulation by using our Self Compass and trusting the Holy Spirit in our spiritual core.

For more, read:  

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

God and Your Personality