Are You A Top Dog or Underdog?

Most of us manipulate others in one of two ways: either as top dogs who use the Strength and Assertion compass points to control people, or as underdogs who use the Love and Weakness compass points to make others take responsibility for us. Uncertain that we are acceptable the way we are, we don the mask of the manipulator.

Top Dog Self Compass

In Christian culture, men tend to adopt top dog patterns of manipulation—being competitive, arrogant and dictatorial. In a radio interview, a man called in to attack me for stating that men need to develop their capacity for tenderness, humility and affection.

“You just want to turn us into a bunch of sissies,” he said.  “Men are supposed to be strong so they can take care of their women!”

“I am suggesting that we men will be better lovers and fathers if we take the chip off our shoulders,” I replied. “We can learn to say ‘I’m sorry’ when we’re wrong, ‘I love you’ to our spouse and children.”

The caller hung up on me.

On the other hand, the underdog patterns of being co-dependent, naive and needing constant reassurance traps many women. When I appeared on a Christian women’s television program, the hostess asked me if there was a detrimental personality style for women. I replied that the worst thing a woman could do was to be overly submissive, dependent and unaware of her own capabilities. The hostess’ mouth dropped open and her hand went to her lips. “Dr. Montgomery,” she exclaimed, “you just described 90% of the women who watch this program!”

Underdog Self Compass

Unfortunately, little boys are still socialized into top dog styles when they are discouraged from expressing tender or vulnerable feelings. Adults still train little girls to be overly submissive and sweet. 

As a parent, you may spot tendencies in your child to get stuck in just one compass point, becoming aggressive, submissive, withdrawn or bossy. You can encourage creative growth stretches into the other compass points until balance is gradually achieved.

In relationships between men and women, men generally need to develop more humility, vulnerability, affection and nurturance. Women usually need to work on more objectivity, assertion, confidence and identity. When both sexes are developing more whole and rhythmic personalities, this dramatically enhances communication.

This is not to say women can’t be bossy and men can’t be submissive. But the idea is to outgrow cultural or religious stereotypes in favor of a fully operative Self Compass, no matter what particular combination of trends you are prone to exhibit.

TOP DOG DAN

At the beginning of my teaching career, I taught a college course in Ethics. I gave a lecture on spiritual love. The students took notes voraciously and one young woman told me the lecture moved her deeply. Yet I came away from the class knowing my own behavior was far from Christlike. I was discovering that problems in my personality were distorting my ability to give and receive love.

When I craved attention, I found a way to show off. When I wanted people to like me, I tried to impress them with my accomplishments. When I felt hurt, I hid my pain under a mask of sullen detachment. When I felt resentful, I put on a frozen smile to hide my anger, yet still harbored a grudge. These manipulative behaviors blocked my ability to interact honestly with people.

I felt powerless to change my manipulative ways. That night I begged the Lord for help. I prayed, “Father, help me quit living in my mind and start feeling with my heart. Help me stop puffing myself up, withdrawing when I don’t get my way and holding anger inside. Please help me love others and myself like you do.”

Before long, the still, small voice of the Lord spoke within me:

Dan, you have done well in loving and serving me, but you’re still afraid of people. You’re afraid they won’t respect you if you don’t show strength. You’re afraid they will reject you if you reveal weaknesses. You’re afraid they will hurt you if you open your heart to love. You’re afraid they’ll disapprove if you express your feelings. But I love people, even though some of them reject, hurt and hate me. Are you willing to be more of your real self and take the risks of love?

Wasn’t that the crux of the matter? God was showing me that my intellectual pride and emotional defensiveness had made me a top dog. I wanted love without the vulnerability. I was trying to be strong without being weak, to be in control without risking my heart. This inner revelation gave me new hope. Without realizing it, I was being tutored in the LAWS of personality and relationships. That night I invited the Holy Spirit to give me the courage to love.

Each of us is partly manipulative and partly capable of Christlike love. Though boxed in by our fears, pride and defensiveness, we can risk being more of our real selves and learn to love beyond manipulation. The good news is that we can reverse manipulation by using our Self Compass and trusting the Holy Spirit in our spiritual core.

For more, read:  

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

God and Your Personality

New Catholic Personality Book Praised by Cardinals!

A Catholic classic in integrating spirituality and depth psychology, the newly revised and expanded  GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY is now available in both print and e-book versions on Amazon.

God and Your Personality

God wants you to be the best version of "you" in Christ. This means God wants you to develop a whole, integrated, mature personality that reflects all your talents, capabilities, and dreams—while conforming to the image of Christ. Unfortunately, a lot of us fail to follow the Holy Spirit's guidance in actualizing this calling. We fall short of God's purpose for our lives. We get trapped in other people's ideas, our own self-imposed limits and fears.

God and Your Personality is your key to break through those barriers and become the beloved son or daughter of God that you were born to be. Writing with compassion and empathy, but also with a firm grasp of personality problems, Theologian-Psychologist Dan Montgomery gives you a handbook that will enable you to find your own "true north" by utilizing the cutting-edge techniques of Compass Therapy and the Self Compass.

Through learning to steer your life with the Compass points of Love, Assertion, Weakness, and Strength (the LAWS of personality health), you can find a freedom to become the "you" that God calls you to be.

University of Notre Dame 

“I am fascinated by the Self Compass. The growth orientation of the Compass Model offers a transformation mindset that benefits any reader. Well done.” — Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D., Professor of Developmental and Moral Psychology 

Paul Cardinal Poupard, The Vatican 

“God & Your Personality is no New Age influenced waffle clouded in a mystique of blurb, but a useful tool for all those who seek to address personality issues and quench their innate spiritual thirst with the living-water which truly satisfies. Well done!”

Secretary of the Vatican Council for the Evangelization of Peoples

“This book is easy to understand and yet contains a profound understanding of the underlying elements of the human personality. It will surely be of much help to anyone who wishes to deepen their knowledge of the relationship between psychological and spiritual wholeness.” — Archbishop Robert Sarah

Ricardo Cardinal Vidal, Manila 

“God & Your Personality is a noble accomplishment and a gift to individuals who seek wholeness and holiness.”

Erdo Cardinal Peter, Budapest

“God & Your Personality is a fine achievement and wonderful contribution to the healing ministry.”

Stephen Cardinal Kim, Seoul

“I am now reading God & Your Personality and find it very enlightening.”

Roger Cardinal Mahony, Los Angeles

“The Catholic tradition has long affirmed the value of the human sciences in leading us to a deeper understanding of the human person in relation to God and others. Dr. Montgomery’s work, drawing as it does from the riches of psychological investigation and insight, will prove most helpful for those striving to grow and develop in the Christian life.”

Let God and Your Personality be your means 
of healing grace today!

Why The Self Compass?

Rita from Lebanon writes in an email:  

"Dr. Dan, did you know a Jesuit priest has translated your book about personality into Arabic? As soon as I read about the Self Compass, everything in my life changed for the better: my relationships with family, friends, even God! I've given the book to everyone I care about, it's so healing and transforming. Everybody should use this model to understand themselves and other people. I'll never be the same!"

Thanks, Rita. I think the Self Compass applies to people of all cultures because it captures the universal "compass points" within human personality. You learn about yourself by finding out where you are located on the Self Compass: 

Do you balance Love with Assertion, or overdo one or the other? Too much love makes you a clinging vine who has no sense of self. Too much assertion makes you argumentative and contrary. By balancing these you can show love (kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness) in certain situations, and assertion (self-expression, courage, divergent thinking, and confrontation) in others.

Do you balance Strength with Weakness, or are you stuck with too much Strength in the form of arrogance, or Weakness in the form of helplessness? By balancing these you can feel confident and strong without being cocky or judgmental. And you can feel occasional insecurity, anxiety, or guilt without panicking.

It is this flexibility in your thinking, feeling, and acting that make you mentally healthy and spiritually blessed—reaping the benefits of the Self Compass. 

What I like about Rita is that she's not only discovering the benefits of balancing her own personality, but she's giving the Self Compass to people she knows, and that's a loving thing to do! 

For more have a look at:  

The Self Compass: Charting Your Personality in Christ