Staying in Love: Three Tips

It’s the bugaboo of a couple’s life—how to respect each other’s free will, while growing more intimate as a couple. It’s the kind of topic that sounds fancy in a lecture, but gets messier in real life. Like how to influence each other without committing the famous fouls of:

• guilt-tripping
• rolling the eyes
• walking out on a conversation
• talking down to your partner

Kate and I celebrated our thirty year anniversary this month (See YouTube Episode #11: DR DAN AND KATE MONTGOMERY HIP HOP MARTIAL ARTS AND LOVE for part of the celebration!) But we, like all couples, still need to work on healthy communication.

Dr. Dan and Kate Montgomery

Three Little Tips

1. Warm-up your partner up to the communication you wish to have. "Is this a good time for you to talk?" Realize that we each live inside our own skin. At any given moment, we are experiencing things that our partners have no way of knowing about, unless we tell them.  
 

It is a huge mistake to believe 

that if a person really loves you, 

he or she will be able to read your mind. 

No way. Your partner is as locked inside their skin as you are. The only tools available for communication and communion are words and body language. So whatever you want to say, especially if it has a strong emotional valence to it, break it to them gently.

2. Avoid verbal arguments and misunderstandings by willingly repeating whatever you’re trying to say in fresh new words. It is only natural for couples to mishear a communication, or to take something very personally and react defensively, instead of continuing the communication. With practice you can learn to let your partner finish whatever they are trying to say without interrupting them, or short-circuiting the communication with an emotional reaction. Taking the time to clarify any misunderstanding builds mutual goodwill.  

The more grace you extend to your partner, 

the more grace they become willing 

and able to extend to you.

3. Just as in car maintenance, 

keep your intimacy well oiled and lubricated 

by a generous supply of basic kindness:  

 “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“Please may I?” 

“Excuse me.” 

“Good morning.” 

“Sleep well.” 

“How are you?” 

 “I need you.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I love you!”

As you can tell, I feel passionately about couple’s growth. 

If one of my dreams could come true, it would be that 

every couple on earth might come to know 

the warmth, emotional security, and adventure 

of couple’s intimacy that really works. 

STAYING IN LOVE